Why am I here?

This pregnancy experience becomes very fascinating to someone who has never been there before and never had any interest. Sure, for years I have had friends making babies and raising kids, and while I always thought they were cute and cuddly, I also know what a P.I.T.A. they are. Losing sleep and giving up things you love and spending all that money, well, it never appealed to me so much. I knew one day I would want one of my own, but really never felt in a hurry. Now, thanks to hormones, weekly updates, ultrasounds and all that comes along with being pregnant, I nearly shudder to think that I might be excited to become a parent. Ew. It just sounds really corny to me. Thus the blog.

Many people want to blog to update family and friends on the pregnancy and the anticipation of baybay, as Mr. W likes to call it, but I am not really feeling that vibe. I started a journal for the little parasite, keeping notes of my thoughts, parasite's progress, ultrasound pics and whatnot, but this is more for me. I know I am not alone. There are mommies and mommies to be out there who wretch at the thought of being mommy-like. I refuse to wear holiday sweaters and lose my sense of self to be a mom. I will love this kid more than life itself, and the best thing I can do for him or her is to be me. I want my kid to think I am cool. I don't plan to let him or her get away with things, that is not what I mean. To be honest, between Mr. W and myself, it won't get away with sh*t. Bad luck for the kid that we've been there, done that. What I mean is I want them to realize that no one should ever stop being who they are. Not for a child, not for a spouse, not for friends, not for anyone. Well, unless their "self" is really obnoxious or horrid...then, by all means stop.

Really though, I know that the possibility of my kid thinking I am cool is pretty slim. What's cool about someone who tells you no all the time? Hmm...probably the cool thing would be they have already done (insert stupid, irresponsible, dangerous action here) and can tell you what will happen. OK, then, probably the best I can hope for is that this kid knows how cool Mr. W and I used to be. Alot of that goes way back to before we even met. Probably good topics for parasite's journal. Not much of interest for this blog.

I am determined to keep a journal for parasite because I lost my mother over 2 years ago and not long before she died, I had asked her to fill in a book/journal I bought for her called "My Story", I think it was. Going through her things after she died, I found the book. I cried when I opened it and found that she had never written anything down. As many stories as she told, you never seem to remember it all. As the years pass, you forget some, or the names and details, and certainly, there are times when you just weren't paying full attention. I would have felt so comforted to have had something there to read. Something my mom wanted to say that she had never mentioned or something she had mentioned, and I had forgotten. It was heartbreaking, really.

I have a friend who lost her mother to cancer when she was very young. Her mom made a tape for her, talking to her about all the things my friend would experience in life. Years later, she still listens to that tape.

You never know when your time may be cut short, so as I sit here, choked up(pregnancy hormones will get their own post), I think to myself that it's important I write something in that journal today, even if it is just how badly I am craving ketchup on a fish sandwich.